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Fear and Loathing in Saint Paul
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| Wow |
[08 Apr 2008|01:10pm] |
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I rarely post here as is pretty obvious. Sometimes I just randomly remember this site and write a little something. Life is going ok. I got a new job that I like. Cristina and I have been going out for about 5 months now. We are in love and all that. Life is solid. Going out of town for a few days on Thursday. I am making plans to maybe go to Ireland next year. That is something to really look forward to.
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| Cloverfield |
[17 Jan 2008|09:50pm] |
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It has been a while since I posted. However, I want to post this because I am super excited. Cloverfield looks so amazing. I watched an "exclusive clip" a bit ago and holy shit you finally see something. That rocks.
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| We won! |
[08 Nov 2007|10:51am] |
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The past few months I have been working on a Saint Paul City Council race. It was for my friend Melvin Carter in Ward 1. Guess what we did? We kicked butt. All predictions had it being the closest race in Saint Paul but we won going away. It was awesome. The city is already better for it.
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| Faux Sincerity from a Friendship |
[01 Oct 2007|03:52pm] |
I haven't had the inkling to write anything in here for quite a while. In fact I can't even believe that this thing still exists. So anyway.
Last night I went to a trivia night at a bar called the 331 club in Northeast Minneapolis. In general it is a nice thing to do on a Sunday evening and is pretty laid back. Some nights though with the group I go with things can get a little tension filled. Last night was one of those nights.
For a while now some of the people I hang out with have really been getting on my nerves. It has gotten to the point where I have kind of taken a step back from them in order to relieve some tension and start fresh.
So it came to a question that there was a little debate about a question. Now I don't mind being wrong. What i mind is someone pointing out loudly that I am wrong with the purpose to embarass. A friend of mine has been doing that to me over the past few months. It is like she is deliberately trying to show me. Now this part will make me sound like conceded-I am good at trivia. I get a lot of answers right, usually the most on our team by far. So when I don't know something and she does she will point it out. It makes me feel like shit. There is nothing I hate more than to be made to seem stupid. If I do something on my accord or say something stupid, that is my problem but don't fault me for not knowing something. My point is that I get a lot of answers right for our team. We have won many times and won money, bar tabs, t-shirts etc. I have never once pointed out that someone didn't know something. I would never do that.
It really hurts my feelings when someone does that to me. So when I am made to feel like that I just sort of shut down. I don't talk as much and sit quietly. It appears I am sulking but I am really not. What am I doing is more avoiding the sitauation. If I don't know something if I keep quiet then I won't get made fun of. Now it appears that I am being too sensitive. Maybe that is true. But when it happens on a consistent basis it tends to wear on me. This is what is happening. So I explained to her what was wrong and why it bothered me. She got very defensive and started accusing me of doing things and being overly sensitive. It became a no-win situation. Then as I tried to calm the situation down, she simply stood up and left, pouting like a 4 year old. It shocked me. I was dumbfounded and sort of had to laugh.
The whole point of me writing is to say that I have to do something that I haven't done in a long time. I need to purge myself of certain people in my life. I am through with having roller coaster reltationships with people. I am sick of the up and down. It is draining to have to constantly worry about what I say. I am done with it.
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| New Annoyance and an update |
[17 Jul 2007|12:05pm] |
I am here at the library in Highland Park. So I have a really stupid annoyance that has popped up for me. IT is irrational and I have no right saying it but I will anyway.
When parents put their kids on counters. I hate that!! It constantly seems like the child is going to fall. He or she is wobbling back and forth...death would ensue! It's stupid, I know!
I start my new job at UsBank on the 30th. I am really excited!! Should be great fun. Money is better!
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[28 Jun 2007|04:23pm] |
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So I hate you a lot. And by you I mean myself. That's right, I don't like myself right now.
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[17 Jun 2007|01:57pm] |
Top Tens for myself
Top Ten Most Meaningful Songs
1.Let Go by Frou Frou
2.Breathe Me by Sia
3.Voices Carry by Til' Tuesday
4.Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel
5.9 Crimes by Damien Rice
6.Miss Misery by Elliot Smith
7.The Quiet Things that no one ever knows by Brand New
8.The Story by Brandi Carlile
9.Colorful by Rocco Deluca and the Burden
10.The Mixed Tape by Jack's Mannequin
Top Ten People in my life
1.Jessica
2.Mom
3.Grandma
4.Cassie
5.Monica
6.Aaron
7.Dad
8.Sara
9.Dustin
10.Dave
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[11 Jun 2007|11:40am] |
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coming back yo
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[11 Apr 2007|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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So this could be the most important post on here of my 6 years or so on here. I am moving. This trumps school, work, or any relationships I have had. I am moving all the way to Atlanta, Georgia. I have been offered a position at my friend Bill's roofing/construction company. My last day at the museum will be May 18th. I am really scared, excited, sad, happy, and nervous. So much more than that too. My life is about to drastically change and it scares the shit out of me. This is a necessary step though. I have become too stagnant here in Saint Paul. This will certainly jumpstart that! So anyway, I am gone soon.
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[28 Mar 2007|06:16pm] |
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Jesus Christ my foot hurts. It is blinding pain. I have been playing racquetball lately and I think it is from that. If I could cut my foot off with no repercussions, I totally would! Anyway, otherwise life is good. No random thoughts today.
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[22 Mar 2007|06:59pm] |
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Obviously it has been many months since I have posted in here. Who knows if anyone will even read this? Over the past few months I have been basically a bum. Now I want to get myself back into the game of life. It starts with getting out of the parent's house. Next, going back to school this fall. Do a couple of vacations in between it all. The woman I am seeing(Bethany) is treating me very well and I in return. We met a few months ago on a ski trip. SHe is a grad student at the U of M and is from Oklahoma. Anything else new will reported at a later date.
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[27 Nov 2006|07:39pm] |
As fascinated as I know everyone will be with my amazing ability to write in here I have to start with my discontent.
This is the last weekend of out big exhibit called Bodyworlds at the museum. It has been wildly successful and good for the museum. However, the toll that it has taken on the front-line staff has been obvious. Mostly I am referring to myself. It has been a long 7 months. I have basically killed myself with working so many hours and dedicating so much of my life to working there. I am tired. Exhausted. If this wasn't the last week I might have actually had to go to a mental hospital for a respite. What angers me most is what happens next. Our management will say: "Thanks for working so hard. Good job." Then nothing. There will be no benefit to me having worked so hard. The pay isn't nearly enough. I committed myself to working through this exhibit and I don't know if I want to continue being there. Whenever I tell someone that I work at the Science Museum, they almost all say: "You must love it there." Or something to that effect. Anyway, yes it is a great place to come visit. To work, especially right now, is not the treat it seems to be. So I might start looking for something else. It hurts to say that but unless I get some sort new thing coming up I just don't think my place is in the museum anymore. I have gone as far as I can go in the store. I am trying to get into the galleries more but am getting stymied. It is like I have been relegated to this role of do-everything store guy, which is fine. So we will see. I have a project coming up in the few weeks that may help me decide whether i stick around.
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[21 Sep 2006|03:31pm] |
I began writing a story again. My biggest problem is that I get tremendous ideas and kind of stall out after about 25 pages or so. Right now things are flowing well though. I am going to let someone read it tonight and get their opinion. I am not terribly worried about it. Everyone has opinions but this person I trust a lot. I know I am a good writer. My biggest problem is the ability to stick to it. Eventually I just don't care whether it keeps going or not. I have 5 unfinished stories either on my computer or handwritten. That isn't good. Maybe i should not even start this new one. Anyway, so that is that.
Another funny thing. This girl Mary whom I dated for a short time this summer and also who I work with keeps trying to talk to me. She doesn't understand that I don't want to. I found a lot of stuff about her that made me dislike her as a person and not just an ex. She comes to talk to me and I just go abou my business. I am busy....well not right now but you all know what i mean.
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[21 Sep 2006|01:35pm] |
Today was really fun.
I got out of bed really late because my alarm clock has broken and I cannot afford a new one at the moment.
I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.
I'm so stoned.
Last night I had to go and pay Joshua's bail. He's such a jerk. He got arrested for punching the Walmart clerk in the face for refusing to sell him beer. He's only 16!
I want to tell the world that I'm gay.
I am sharpening my knives before I go to work today, because I'm going to cut out Robert's heart and feed it to him for losing my mail.
Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's some photos of my girlfriend in the nude (but don't tell her that I've posted them here - she'll kill me! Har har.)
I want to say thanks to the academy for giving me this award.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, which makes me different enough to be interesting, but the same as all the other cool people with bipolar disorder.
You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you who you're sexually compatible with.
That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with my favourite Buffy fan-fiction piece I wrote last year when I was in hospital.
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| Sick |
[13 Sep 2006|04:29pm] |
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mood |
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Shannon McNally-Sweet Forgiveness |
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Once again I have hit a nice bout of sickness. My face feels like it is about to peel off and become a separate entity which in of itself would be pretty sweet. I just bought myself a laptop the other day. I am going to use the ability to move around to write and write. Finally I am going to sit down and write a screenplay or novel. For so many years I have talked about it. Now I am seriously going to do it. Maybe I don't have the talent to write this great story or screenplay but I have to at least try. I have a lot of ideas flowing through me that just need to get out. It may end up as total crap but at least I tried. So there!
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| No subject homies |
[09 Sep 2006|12:54pm] |
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I have decided to continue to write in here every so often. It is quickly becoming a habit to need to drain myself of feelings and problems. Weddding today: Did so much work! NOt going to get much in return. It kind of makes me mad.
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[05 Sep 2006|11:31am] |
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Maybe many of you don't even bother to think I am still around...HA! Well I am. I just have decided to not be visible for a while. I didn't want anyone to vaguely know my thoughts. Now I just feel different. It is time to be out there with my words again. It's not even an ego thing. There is just this longing to have people know what I am going through. My brain is on overload. My senses are dulling. Most of all though, my spirit is being crushed. The one place I love being(my job) no longer gives me solace. I enjoy the people I work with. I love a good portion and would do anything for them. However, with the constant bombardment of problems, bad decisions, and slights against me I feel drained. I won't get into specifics but it boils down to the fact that they are not treating me very nicely right now. This will have to be rectified quickly or I will be moving on.
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| Geek Prom |
[20 Apr 2006|12:14am] |
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Closer-NIN |
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If anyone is interested here is a link to the Science Museum for our event this weekend. All the info should be on the page. Let me know if you have any questions being that I am a staff member there.
http://www.smm.org/geekprom/
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[12 Apr 2006|10:41am] |
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Miniature Disaster-KT Tunstall |
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I sat here for quite a while with my fingers at the keyboard, unable to conherently form any thoughts. Maybe around 45 minutes. It makes me laugh somewhat. I just chuckle at the thought that I can't write. When i wake up in the morning I am usually genuinely happy. No one can truly say what their day will be like, plan as they might. There are always some sort of new situation or miniature disaster. I take a lot of my cues from what I hear from others. Seeking out advice is important to me. I trust a lot of people and it is great. But for now...fuck that. I am listening to myself.
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[10 Apr 2006|10:10pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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seeing red-unwritten law |
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Sometimes I make myself to be a tortured soul of some sort. It is somewhat pitiful and weak. It is something that I have to stop doing. It is true, I have been hurt by a lot of women in my life. I am assessing some blame here. However, in the end the blame falls on myself because I allowed it to happen. The most powerful thing that we have is our mind. It can play tricks on us and lead us to believe that something is true when it is not. The heart is what needs to be listened to. Too often though, my mind easily wins this. I try to trick myself into denying something that is obviously true. Most of my days except for at work is spent alone. That gives me a lot of time to think about what is going on with me. So hence I think about past experiences. Now many people say that they don't live in the past. Well first off I think that is a crock of shit. I am without a doubt not one of those people though. My mind constantly wanders to things I have done or didn't do. I denied what I felt towards someone out of respect for her and her situation. It is not my place to get involved with others relationships. But I am being selfish for now. I don't care what the consequences are anymore. My mind needed to be eased a little. It was to a degree. I will explain what I did in a minute. Too often I am too forgiving and/or accomodating towards people. That is why some people take advantage of my generosity and helpful nature. I just have a difficult time saying no to the people I think I care about.
For the moment I saw Laura, I think I loved her. There is just something that I can't deny. Now I know I do. There is not a thing I can do about it. She knows now too. I told her. We are friends of course but I will never be with her. I know that. It is impossible. I have never been in love with a woman from afar. It is a whole new experience. I have been infatuated with a woman before from afar but never love. The feeling I have in my heart is the same sort of feelings I used to have for Becky. So at the very least I know that i want to be with her more than anyone in the world. It hurts so bad. I have never had this feeling of knowing that the person I am in love with will never love me the same way. It is the most crushing and heartstopping feeling I have ever had. Yesterday my hand overtook my mind and I wrote furiously. I sat in my breakroom at work and just let my hand work. It poured onto one simple page. I was plain and serious. There was no doubt about I felt. I gave it to Laura. She read it. I know this seems pathetic and sad but writing is how I express myself. There is no way I could have said it to her. Plus it would have just seemed like I was trying to get her to be with me. I told her that I knew nothing would ever happen between us. My heart is such in anguish right now. That old shitty saying about how if you love something, set it free. I hate it with a passion. She occupies my dreams, my thoughts, and my heart. I will never be rid of her memory.
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